


The "Love Match"

by EverSquirrely



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Banter, Everybody Lives, Fire Emblem: Three Houses Black Eagles Route, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Post-Canon, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 23:08:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29358489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EverSquirrely/pseuds/EverSquirrely
Summary: Is there anything nicer than a ball? Especially with the pesky war taken care of, Claude can enjoy one of his favorite hobbies - ruffling some feathers.And what better target then the apparently married Prime Minister and Minister of the Imperial House? Sure, Edelgard specifically warned him not to bother Hubert and Ferdinand. But that just means there's gotta be something juicy there, right?But he may have underestimated the "Two Jewels of the Empire" and how sick of this they are.
Relationships: Ferdinand von Aegir/Hubert von Vestra
Comments: 10
Kudos: 49





	The "Love Match"

**Author's Note:**

> I both love the idea of Claude riling up Ferdibert, as well as getting more than he bargained for XD
> 
> CW for disturbing descriptions of violence discussed in conversation, and  
> Graphic description of a sex act, again in conversation

Claude prowled Enbarr’s festivities. Emperor Edelgard had invited people of note from across the Kingdom of Faerghus and the Leicester Alliance to “celebrate the fall of the central church.” Or, in diplomacy speak, “smooth things over after that whole war thing.”

Claude of course made an appearance, and he somehow snagged Edelgard’s first dance. “Congratulations on your successful conquest,” Claude teased with a wink.

“And thank you for staying out of my way,” Edelgard teased back.

“What can I say? I was never religious.” Things, however, got interesting when Claude noticed Ferdinand and Hubert danced not far from them. “How long after no one's looking do you think those two will be at each other's throats again?" he joked, jerking his head towards the pair.

To Claude’s shock, Edelgard did not so much as smile. In the academy, Claude could guarantee a laugh at “the legitimate heir of the House Aegir” and his tumultuous relationship with Hubert. Instead, Edelgard replied, “I imagine they would not have a happy marriage if that were the case.”

“Oh!” Claude nodded thoughtfully. “I guess there’s no better way to show political unity than-”

“They are a love match,” Edelgard interrupted. She seemed guarded when she warned him, “If you have any sense, you will avoid further questions on the matter.”

Which meant there was a secret, and Claude would happily find it.

As far as Claude could tell, Hubert didn’t seem particularly smitten. He danced with his normal stiffness. Ferdinand smiled broadly and appeared to be making conversation, so nothing unusual about that. Claude could easily have swapped either parties with nearly anyone else in the room and expected each of them to look basically the same.

When the dance finished, Claude bowed to Edelgard before she was predictably swept away by a new partner. Hubert and Ferdinand shared a chaste kiss behind her, before Ferdinand sought another partner, and Hubert made his way to the wine.

Interesting indeed. Next step? Pin down Hubert von Vestra, and see just how much badgering it would take for Hubert to give up the game.

“Duke Riegan,” Hubert bowed reluctantly. Hubert seemed to have given a lot of care to his appearance - which is to say, he seemed to be adorned at exactly the minimum appropriate level of "fussiness" for the occasion. A red cravat around his throat offered the only relief from the drab colors.

“Hubert,” Claude grinned, returning it. “I hear congratulations are in order for you.”

“I will accept your congratulations,” Hubert’s eye steadied on Claude. “But may I ask what for?”

“I heard you, of all people, got _married!_ ” Claude clapped Hubert’s shoulder, and Hubert stiffened. Aw, Claude had forgotten just how easily he could irritate Hubert.

“Ah. Yes,” Hubert’s cold green eye searched the deepest reaches of Claude’s soul. “You have my thanks, but such congratulations seem strange.”

Ah hah! Claude knew Edelgard must have lied. “That’s not too surprising,” Claude replied encouragingly. “You were never the sentimental type.”

Hubert’s eyebrow impatiently raised. “Congratulations are given to those who achieve something that requires concerted effort and planning. I found my marriage happened quite naturally, with minimal effort.”

The little speech could almost be earnest, had it not been delivered by Hubert in his “definitely sick of your shit” tone. “It happened naturally?” Claude laughed.

Hubert’s gaze never wavered. “Is that funny to you?”

“You have to understand my surprise,” Claude quickly replied. “Last I knew, you two were constantly at each other.”

“We still are, in some manners of speaking,” Hubert only broke eye contact long enough to take a deep drink of his glass.

Claude’s jaw dropped in admiration. “Hubert von Vestra, was that a sex joke?”

“Hubert von Aegir-Vestra,” Hubert corrected without answering the question.

Alright, alright. The gangly creeper was going to try toying with him then? Two could play at that game. “So that’s all it took, huh? Ferdinand gets a few inches taller, fills out... and suddenly Hubert von Vestra-”

“Hubert. Von. Aegir. Vestra.”

“-Suddenly you’ve gone soft?”

Claude smirked. There it was - the first touch of uncertainty darkened Hubert’s face. It satisfied Claude to get under Hubert’s skin. Eventually, Hubert admitted, “Perhaps I have softened.”

Unless Claude was mistaken, that proved to be a shockingly vulnerable, unprecedented moment from Hubert. Perhaps Claude should accept that as a victory, and just chat.

Nah.

“Good for you! I never thought I’d live to see the day you wanted to be a better man,” Claude teased, taking a glass of wine from a passing staff member.

“Nothing so sentimental,” Hubert scoffed. His eyes drifted to Ferdinand on the dance floor. Ferdinand laughed with Lorenz as they spun through a song. “As you likely have guessed, I have had extensive professional exposure to the human form.”

“Scandalous,” Claude winked. Of course Claude suspected Hubert’s meaning, but he had hoped to at least get an eye roll from Hubert.

“Courtship presented a difficult shift in perspective,” Hubert continued undeterred. “Take the neck,” Hubert’s brow furrowed slightly, gloved fingers touching his own throat. “I could tell you the most efficient place to strike with a knife for both a quick or a slow death. I know precisely where to press to prevent breathing or speech…” Hubert trailed off, eye resting again on Claude. “Imagine my surprise the first time Ferdinand pressed his forehead to my own neck during an embrace.”

Claude snorted into his glass of wine. “I’m glad he lived to tell the tale.”

“Or, consider the hand.” Hubert pensively raised his left, the fingers of his right toying with each finger in turn. “I could accurately gauge the pressure required to break each digit, or tear each nail. I know where a cut would bleed the most, or where would cause the most pain.”

Claude wrinkled his nose. “Slow down, tiger. I can’t handle this sentimental side of you.”

Amusement caught the edge of Hubert’s mouth. “Imagine having a wealth of that forbidden knowledge, and holding another’s hand out of intimacy.”

Claude shook his head. “It’s good to see you haven’t lost your 'I could kill you anytime for any reason' thing!”

Hubert smiled for perhaps the first time since the conversation started. A quiet, wicked smile. “My point being, I have given no thought to being a ‘better man.’ I have likely softened, however, simply by expanding my understanding of the human body.”

Claude sighed. Hubert made it clear he was no less murderous simply because he held hands. Still, it seemed such an unlikely pair. Hubert had to be hiding something. “It must be pretty hard to get used to,” Claude cooed. “Probably even worse when you have such a desirable partner.”

“Oh?” Hubert’s eyebrow ticked with annoyance. This could be something. Maybe good old fashioned jealousy? 

“I’m sure there were a lot of broken hearts when the _legitimate heir to House Aegir_ went off the market!” Claude shrugged, taking a leisurely sip of his drink. “I imagine it probably feels like a lot of pressure.”

Hubert’s eye narrowed at Claude. “Though I may be more equipped to cause him pain than pleasure, I am fortunate that Ferdinand is… flexible.”

Nice try at a deflection there. Rather than go further down the “I have _edgy_ sex” rabbit hole, Claude just glanced to the dance floor. Ferdinand and Lorenz seemed to be having a lively conversation as they went. “Say,” he remarked casually. “What do you think they’re talking about?”

Hubert frowned. “Tea.”

“Hey,” Claude mused, tapping his head. “I remember - they used to have tea together all the time at the academy!”

Oh ho. Those sharp eyes fixed on Claude in an entirely new way. Hubert mocked a gasp. “No-!” he whispered coldly. “How out of character.”

Fine, if Hubert was going to make fun of Claude, Claude would just double down. “I’m just saying, tall and pale is apparently his type…”

Hubert sighed mournfully. “It will only be a matter of time before my dear Ferdinand has him bent over with a riding crop-”

“Woah, wait-”

“-Testicles slapping skin with each merciless thrust.” Hubert easily took a sip from his wine. “That’s what you intended to say, isn’t it?”

Claude took too greedy a sip from his wine after that one, making him cough. “Paints a picture,” he muttered. “Though I would have guessed you would be the one with the riding crop.”

Hubert, the bastard, feigned surprise. “That would be such a waste of my partner’s merit. No, from time to time it is best to let one’s stallion have free rein.”

Oh good - the song had finished, and Ferdinand approached them. He practically glowed with color and splendor compared to Hubert, with a rich crimson coat, turquoise accents, and fitted gold leggings. The only void of color, curiously enough, was the black cravat he wore.

At least the demon would probably behave in front of Ferdinand.

“Prime Minister,” Hubert greeted. Of course Hubert would refer to his husband as ‘Prime Minister,’ the hopeless romantic. “We were just speaking about you.”

“Is that so?” Ferdinand bowed with a flourish. “Duke Riegan! Such a pleasure to see you.”

“Why thank you, _Prime Minister,_ ” Claude drew his fingers along his chin. “And Congratulations on your union! I was surprised to hear of it.”

Ferdinand’s face was still flushed from dancing, but it still contained all the joy of Lysithea coming across an entire uneaten cake. “I was surprised as well when he asked!”

“Hubert!” Claude playfully smacked Hubert’s shoulder, earning another glare. “You minx, you failed to mention that.”

Ferdinand looked up to Hubert, his fond smile seemed very much sincere. “He marched into my room and demanded we marry that very night.”

“No,” Claude gasped. “With a ring and everything?”

Ferdinand grinned. “No ring!”

Claude raised an eyebrow. “Ceremony?”

“No ceremony!” Ferdinand’s face must have hurt, what with that broad smile the entire time. “Edelgard married us that very night.”

Claude wrinkled his nose. “How romantic!”

Ferdinand beamed without the slightest hint of sarcasm. “I thought so too!”

Well, Claude could easily understand why Edelgard avoided the subject with Ferdinand. He had the relentless enthusiasm of Cyril going on about Lady Rhea. If there was dirt, Ferdinand could probably make it sound “charming.”

Fortunately for Claude, there were other ways to have fun.

“You know Ferd, Hubert has been saying the most shocking things,” Claude challenged Hubert with his smirk. Hubert’s face remained inscrutable.

“Of course he has,” Ferdinand smiled indulgently. “Did he mention how he can kill someone by a simple press of the neck?”

“...No,” Claude replied. “Okay, technically, maybe.”

“Perhaps he described the sound of a finger breaking?” Ferdinand guessed.

Why was Ferdinand’s smile so natural? Did he hear what he was saying? “Nothing like that. Riding crop, Ferdinand?”

Ferdinand blinked. “Oh! Are you in need of one?” he asked. “I do not carry one on my person. I would have one in the stable however.”

“And the bedroom,” Hubert added casually.

“Yes!” Ferdinand exclaimed. “I do keep one there if you need one.”

Claude gaped at Ferdinand. Ferdinand seemed to be expecting something from him, and Claude simply did not know where to go from here.

“Did I miss it?” Ferdinand whispered. “What did Hubert say that was so shocking? I'm dying of curiosity.”

In the first show of anything that could be considered affection since Ferdinand arrived, Hubert leaned to Ferdinand’s ear. “I told him of the use of the riding crop in our bedroom.”

The blush broke through the tan of Ferdinand’s cheeks, but his laugh remained light. “Is that all?”

“Is that…” Claude shook his head in disbelief. “I misjudged you Ferdinand!”

“I hope it isn’t shocking that I enjoy my marriage bed,” Ferdinand shared a “can you believe this guy” look with Hubert.

“But discussing such private matters so publicly?” Claude sniped. “I thought you were too honorable for that sort of thing.

Oh no. Hubert looked smug. Why did Hubert look so smug? “It’s one of _those_ conversations,” Hubert explained to Ferdinand, passing him his wine.

Ferdinand drained the glass, face set with an unfamiliar expression. No, wait. Anger, definitely anger. Claude realized he had perhaps misjudged how afraid he should be of the second jewel of the empire.

“How sly you must think you are,” Ferdinand replied sharply. “As though you are the first clever person to make accusations.”

Claude threw his hands up. “Woah woah woah, I never made _any_ accusations.”

Ferdinand rolled his eyes. “So which ‘compelling’ theory are you entertaining? Do you think me so reprehensible as to marry him out of some desperate grab for power?”

“N-no,” Claude stammered.

“Perhaps you subscribe to the view that Hubert wanted a dumb, attractive bedfellow? Like some sort of pet to run to the door when he comes home?” Ferdinand fumed.

“Perhaps he believes I enchanted you to do so,” Hubert’s voice lowered evilly. “As a means to keep my bed warm and free myself of your bothersome ideas.”

Ferdinand scoffed. “If you possessed that power, you could have spared yourself from many of our arguments over the years.”

“The theories are quite far-fetched,” Hubert agreed, smirking. “If I’m not mistaken, Claude, you had implied the Prime Minister would stray with the Duke of Glouchester?”

Had the gasp come from anyone else, Claude may have thought it overacted. “Duke _Riegan!_ ” Ferdinand scolded.

Okay, damage control. “Come on,” Claude gave his most winning smile. “I didn’t mean anything by it. I was just pushing Hubert’s buttons. I’ve done that for years!”

Ferdinand barely heard him. “To call into question both Lorenz and I’s honor as a means to humiliate Hubert?” Ferdinand audibly scoffed. “You accuse me of being impolite. Well, nothing I have ever done with that riding crop is as aggressive as this conversation.” Claude opened his mouth to speak, but clearly Ferdinand still had more to say. “Why is it no one seems half as shocked that I allowed Hubert to bind be to the headboard-"

"-I was shocked you stayed still long enough," Hubert interjected.

"As was I!" Ferdinand sighed from deep in his chest. "But no, it's far more shocking that I enjoy _conversing_ with Hubert! As though it would be impossible to find companionship between us."

"Perhaps it is. To them," Hubert offered.

"Well damn them all," Ferdinand snapped. "Hubert von Vestra is the finest thing that has ever been mine.”

Hubert suddenly hid his face. Brilliant red cheeks glowed against Ferdinand’s bright hair. Ferdinand immediately whispered some apology, placing a white glove over his cheek.

Claude pushed his luck, but he couldn’t help himself. “What was that, Hubert? Hubert von _Aegir-_ Vestra?”

Hubert’s shoulders shook, further obscuring his face while some maniacal sound escaped him.

"He is private regarding declarations of affection," Ferdinand explained. His eyes still glowed with enough fury that Claude bit back his riding crop joke.

Hubert shook his head, voice lowering. “Of all the miscreants that had to see me blush, it had to be _Claude-!”_

Ferdinand touched Hubert’s shoulder affectionately. “You are laughing, that is good.”

“That’s how he actually laughs?” Claude marveled.

“Is it not incredible?” Ferdinand smiled up to Hubert. “Absolutely no sign of mirth whatsoever!”

That of course disrupted any composure Hubert had managed to regain. Ferdinand murmured another apology. Hubert cleared his throat, trying to compose himself. "My only regret is that Duke Riegan would be missed should he not return."

“It would not be in good form to assassinate one of our allies,” Ferdinand agreed thoughtfully. “Even for the crime of knowing your husband loves you.”

Hubert snorted as he laughed harder. “It’s not as though anyone would believe the Duke if he told them.”

That remark dealt the fatal blow to Ferdinand’s composure. His face flushed as he laughed as well. His hand covering his mouth as he tried to smother the lilting sound.

It would be darling if they weren't joking about Claude’s demise. No, it was darling. Like observing a puppy that had unexpectedly befriended a crow, and passed each other snacks.

Mercedes wafted to their group, her tidy haircut wrapped beneath her hat. “Good evening, Ferdinand! Are you free now to dance?”

“Of course!” Ferdinand grinned, likely at the welcome escape. “If you two will excuse me.”

“Are you sure I can steal him from you Hubert?” Mercedes asked with a wink.

Hubert chuckled quietly. “I offered him the first dance to ensure he would be free to exhaust as many other partners as he pleased without guilt.”

“Then away we go!” she breathed with a smile.

The blush still lingered on Hubert’s face. He had not yet restored his unnerving eye contact, and instead he spun his empty glass in his gloved fingers.

“You know what?” Claude raised an eyebrow. “I think I figured out your secret.”

“Oh?” Hubert seemed equal parts bemused and bored.

“I think you love your husband,” Claude replied smugly.

Another smile. While far less evil, it felt equally condescending. “You fancy yourself a master tactician, and yet you are hardly more informed than a local gossip.”

Fair. Claude couldn’t help but chuckle. As strange as it was to see Hubert blush and laugh, there was a strange comfort that he had not really changed. And neither had the charming-if-self-righteous blowhard.

Hilda broke the silence when she flounced up in her bold pink dress and broad grin. “Hiiii Hubie!”

“Hilda von Goneril,” Hubert bowed reluctantly.

“Hubie.” Hilda thrust out a hand, declaring, “Dance with me.”

Hubert frowned. “No.”

“Come on,” Hilda whined with a wink. “I saw you dance with Ferdinand. I know you caaan-” She paused when she noticed Claude swiping his hand across his throat, mouthing “cut it out.”

Hubert sighed. “There are a multitude of things I would do with my husband that I would never willingly do with you. Now, if you’ll excuse me, my glass is empty.” Hubert didn’t even bother with the bow as he pushed through the crowd.

Hilda’s mouth dropped, dumbstruck. “Wait, did he say husband?”

“A _love match_ ,” Claude winked. “And if you have any sense, you will avoid further questions on the matter.”

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm noticing I have some very Birdie-specific tropes:
> 
> People finding out and reacting to an unexpected relationship:
> 
>   * [Dorothea's New Beau](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27031042)
>   * [Garden Interrogation](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25334701)
> 

> 
> Ferdinand completely missing the joke:
> 
>   * [Another Dead Body?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26514043)
> 

> 
> Describing sexual activity as a means to make someone uncomfortable for prying:
> 
>   * [Felix Fraldarius and the Mysterious Moaning](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25310050)
>   * [Garden Interrogation](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25334701)
> 

> 
> Well, at least I'm consistent? ;)


End file.
